I woke up in a softy dwarven bed. Can’t be getting used to such comfort tho – It makes a Git go soft. And goin’ soft gets ya killed.
Did me morning stretches. Did me morning press ups. 30 a day keeps the Mad Doks away as me old Sergeant used to say bahahaha.
I was bloody starvin’ so went lookin’ for me mornin’ scran. Following’ me nose I found our hosts had left platters of cured meats, breads, cheeses and plenty of bevvies. I ate me fill and took plenty for later. Ya neva know when you’re last meal is gonna be! The others came out in dribs and drabs.
Grondar had a bump on his hed. I rekun he furgot the short arses ‘ave low ceilings bahaha. And I tell ya wot, he can put his scran away. Celemourn came for brekky next. She ‘ardly ate nuffin though. Zoltar lamented sumfin about a stew. Haldir and Hanas were chattin’ and eatin’, but the Monk made a point of not over indulgin’. His loss – more scran for me.
Out and about we met that pointy eared Jaquen bloke again. I don’t know much about ‘im. He looks like a bit of a sneaky git tho. I asked if he’s killed anyone before but he was very sneaky about answerin’ me questions. Sneaky gits do ‘ave their uses tho, so I’m happy if he’s gonna follow us.
We all decided to go for a recce and a bit of a svavenge to see wot we could find. And I tell ya, the rok that fell out the sky WRECKED the place. Propa’ wrecked. All that fancy dwarf architecture weren’t a match for that big old Rok.
There wasn’t much to find. But we got sum silver leaf, (that stuff definitely smells a bit funny), sum wild root and essence of life (woteva that is? Bahaha.) I rekun it’s all gonna come in handy tho.
The party decided we couldn’t just scavenge about all day when the dwarves needed help cleanin’ up all the mess. I tell ya wot, it’s bloody annoyin’ bein’ an adventurer sometimes, always havin’ to help. Boloks.
Celamourne tended to the injured and dying (weaklins). Grondar was stackin’ bodies (dead weaklins). Haldir and Hanas decided to help the dwarves clear rubble wiv pickaxes. They made a propa hash of it tho, so I think the dwarves ended up givin’ ’em some pointless job just to keep ’em out the way bahaha. Good effort tho lads. Jaquen was off bein’ sneaky. And I don’t really know what Zoltar was up to – Mischief probably. I find wiv Zoltar it’s better not to know sometimes bahaha.
I went for a bit of a walk amongst the ruins. Me thoughts turned to those bloody magik stones. The green stone was accounted for in the belly of Dave’s Mekanikal dog. The whereabouts of the blue stone woz troublin’ me tho. It was in the city some where – the dwarves took it. But gods know where. It could be under ten tonnes of rubble for all we know. Definitely too dangerous to leave lyin’ about tho.
I found some dwarves and asked to speak to whoeva was now in charge. A dwarf, shaken at the sight of me scurried off in a panic. He came back with a troop of heavily armoured warriors. Now we are talkin’, I thought to me self. I woz a bit surprised tho when a little girl announced ‘erself as newly appointed Queen Barb of the Iron Bark Dwarves. (How could she be in charge? I bet she hasn’t caved in a single skull. But woteva, the Dwarves ‘ave their own strange ways I suppose.)
Queen Barb agreed to take The Party to the stone. Celamourne, Grondar, Jaquen, Zoltar and me were escorted by the Armoured Royal Entourage to a great chamber, left relatively unscathed by the Big Rok. (Probably sum Dwarf magic at play, but wot does a git like me know?)
The chamber was pitch dark. (Even wiv me dark vision I was struggling to see due to the complete absence of light.) Queen Barb summoned some magic flying lanterns and lead the way. Eventually we arrived at an open chamber and Queen Barb did somefing Dwarfy – a single lantern container the blue stone descended from the ceiling.
I deliberated wiv Celamourn about what to do. She woz ‘appy to leave it ‘ere for the Ironbark Dwarves to worry about. Old Gutrippa had a theory though. We know the blue stone is propa killy (and quite frankly a right pain in the arse.) And we know the green stone is the opposite of propa killy – so I thought what if we bring the not killy stone to the killy stone. Maybe they’d cancel each otha’ out! Big Brain Orc time!
Grondar set off to retrieve Kevin MK3, (the current keeper of the not killy stone.) Problem woz in his incredible haste he ran off wivout anything to light the way. After much struggling in the dark, Jaquen quided him out of the chamber. In the meantime time Zoltar set about summoning his hornless unicorn mount. After some time and with the ritual complete a majestic white steed stood before us. Grondar and Jaquen returned with Kevin MK3.
We devised a plan: Zoltar would approach the killy stone with a length of rope in hand and loop it through the eye bolt of the magic lantern containing the stone. The rope would be tied to Zoltar’s steed, we would all vacate the chamber (leaving Kevin MK3 behind) and leave the steed to pull the killy stone towards the not killy stone ensconced in Kevin.
Zoltar trudged towards the kill stone. Blasted by malign psychic forces that would have turned a Lesser Git to a bludy pulp. ‘iz superior konstitution saw him fru the ordeal, but left him howling like an Austrian bodybuilding champion turned actor (wots Austria?). Keepin’ a cool ‘ed and steady hand under grueling circumstances, Zoltar was able to loop the rope through the eye bolt of the lantern and return to safety.
Celemourn was thankfully on hand to heal the Mad Git and Zoltar regained his composure. Zoltar commanded his steed to attempt to move the stone and unceremoniously was not able to budge it even one inch! Queen Barb informed the party that the lantern could not be moved. Bludy brilliant.
The Party couldn’t agree on how to continue. Whilst this woz goin’ on Grondar picked up Kevin and set off towards the lantern! Celemourn legged it out the chamber (fair enuff’) everyone else woz left gawping at wot woz goin’ to ‘appen next.
The usually killy stone wasn’t killy though. Grondar put Kevin in contact with lantern. A blinding light filled the chamber, glass from a fousand lanterns above rained down. I jumped on top of little Barb, all those on the chamber took damage from falling glass, but fanks to our dexterous manoeuvres, minimal harm was inflicted. (Dave, nuffin’ happened to Kevin, he’s absolutely fine. Honestly.)
In the wake of the blinding light Grondar was left clutchin’ the two stones, now orbiting eachova in perfect unity. Waves of purple energy pulsed from Grondar’s fist. And lookin’ at him he was strainin’ every muscle in ‘iz body to keep the stones in ‘iz fist contained. Grondar’s strengf n’ constitution was tested to the MAX.
But Grondar wasn’t sufferin’ any ill effects. (I’ve got to get a PT seshun in ‘wiv him. I need to learn ‘ow he became such a strong Git!)
The Party and Royal Entourage were left wonderin’ what had just happened. Queen Barb sent for the junior Elders (on account of all the elder Elders bein’ previously squashed.)
We tried to contain the stones in Zoltar’s cookin’ pot. But the pot got wrecked.
Grondar’s konstitution began to wane. The magik of the stones began to burn his flesh and muscle away.
Quick thinking Celemourn cast level 4 “Dispel Magik” Causing them to violently separate. Back to bludy square one!
Grondar retrieved the green stone and began using it to heal his burnt and withered hand. Bathed in it’s healin’ green light, his wounds were healed. I don’t fink I saw ‘im let go of the green stone after that.
The Party requested the dwarves fetch a series of increasingly larger lead boxes to contain the power of the blue stone. Queen Barb commanded and ‘er followers obliged’, like the good little gits they are.
Still attempting to help the clean up of the city, Hanas and Haldir had been sent to look for a Left Handed Pick Handle and a Long Weight by the Miners Foreman. They noticed Dwarves converging on the sacred chamber carryin’ lead boxes. Finkin’ they should probably check out wot woz goin’ on, they set off to the chamber and ‘elped shift the heaviest boxes on the way.
Wiv the boxes set out in size order, Grondar volunteered to put the killy stone in the first layer of containment. Taking a brief amount of psychic damage, the stone was placed in the first box. In turn the first box woz placed in to the second, n’ the second into the third n’ so on until the stone was contained in enough layers of shielding that the psychic damage emitted by the stone was completely dampened.
The Party requested the strongest kart the dwarves cud find. Once again Queen Barb woz ‘appy to ‘elp.
Not before long, a fine kart of expert konstrucshun was presented to us. Wiv enough room to transport seven or eight Gits and the laden boxes The Party knew we would soon be on our way.
But where I ‘ere you ask?
We kontinue East. Towards Red Rock! Anuvva Dwarven Kingdom (‘n the ancestral home of Dave Davidson.)
Not only that, but Queen Barb granted The Party TWO gifts as fanks for cleansin’ the Iron Bark Forest of the Black Dragon’s taint. The first, 60 percent off all the shops (that haven’t been flattened by the Big Rok) and the second being the assistance of Furum The Dwarf Champion on our jurney.
Wiv our discounts The Party set about stockin’ up!
All manner of fings were bought and sold. Arrows, crossbow bolts, javelins, climbin’ kits, healin’ kits, ropes, grapplin’ hooks, pots, pans, a batterin’ ram (Can’t wait to see Haldir give that a go!), bludy all sorts really! (Speshul mention goes to Grondar and that propa gud deal he got on a propa sharp skinnin’ knife.)
With the party stocked up, Haldir and Zoltar summoned their magik horses and hooked ’em up to the wagon.
Riding on the back of the wagon Obi John gave Jaquen a bit of a grillin’, but the sneaky Git held his nerve.
Furum rekons Red Rok is about a month away at the rate we are movin’, so we are goin’ to be foot sloggin’ it for a while yet. (Good fing I’ve got a decent pair of boots bahaha).
Jaquen got to know Artemis a bit, which woz funny. I hope the sneaky Git stays around for a bit longer yet.
After travelin’ most of the day we set up camp near a river. Hanas and Jaquen went fishin’. The Monk woz so quick he caught THREE sturgeons wiv ‘iz bare hands! Jaquen managed a decent haul of fish too.
Zoltar, pleased wiv ‘iz new pots n pans cooked the fish up propa gud.
Haldir went foragin’ for herbs and found some Silver Leaf. Lightin’ up the Leaf he inhaled the smoke and the Silly Git lost ‘iz head. He offered it round, but he didn’t get any takers.
Celamourne prayed to her Gods.
Grondar set up a trap then got ‘iz head down on both ‘iz new bed rolls.
Zoltar wanted to ‘ave a little scrap with me. I was ‘appy to oblige. Bahaha. We only fought wiv sticks, but it was gud fun. Blocking, parrying and dodging each others’ blows, it was a pretty even match up. Until he let ‘iz guard down and I knocked ‘im to the ground. Better luck next time Zoltar.
After a gud night’s kip. We were all refreshed and ready for the next leg of the journey. Grondar caught a baby owl bear and shanked it wiv ‘iz new knife. This made Celamourne very sad. He made a right hash of skinnin’ it though. So I had to show ‘im how it’s done and why they call me Gutrippa!
….The journey continues.
(Cheers for readin’ boyz ‘n girlz)
(….As told by Gutrippa!)